ALL OR NOTHING?

If wishes were fishes, we'd all have a fry.  I was hoping to post everyday at least a little bit.  That's a laugh!  Sure, I'm going to post every day after not having posted in five months.  Yeah, that's the ticket.  How many times have you decided to start a new habit and just expect that suddenly you would be PERFECT at it?  Have a nice belly laugh about it.  I did.

I freaked myself out a bit with my last post.  It just really scared me.  Focusing on the worst that can happen is not a good idea.  Like a good scout, hope for the best and plan for the worst?  I'm not sure that's perfectly sound advice.  How much energy do I want to expend on planning for the worst?  In my own personal energy equation, positive optimistic approaches reap much higher rewards.

Here is my positive energy drawing of the day.

Ahhhh, that feels better.

In answer to my question in my last post, what would I do without my computer, well I guess I would just use the phone and write letters and postcards and spend more time creating.  Maybe that's not so scary after all.

Positive Actions:
1.  Called the SSA for an ETA on my disability claim.  While not a formal ETA, if I don't hear from them by January 27th, I should get back in touch.  Thank you, Shirley.
2.  Looked up KOA campground prices.  Yikes!  Even tent camping would cost me almost as much as renting an apartment.
3.  Today I will do a little E-Bay research and within the next week post some things to sell from existing inventory.
4.  Research Etsy.
5.  Add a Pay Pal Donation button to this blog.

I will still be recording my physical symptoms and such in this blog.  It somehow is part of the process at this point in time.  Since my last post, I have had to sleep a lot more, about 16 hours per day.  Even sitting up can wear me out.  Had a few days of the intense solar plexus area pain.  Feels like being punched, very bizarre.  About three days of headaches.  Decided to go back to twice per day on the Acetyl L-Carnitine with Alpha Lipoic Acid.  It seems to have the most effect on reducing the strange pain.

Happy arting everyone!  Do what you can when you can.  Even just one line on a piece of paper.

Deciding December - Day 1

Since my original post, I have been perfecting the art of perfectionist procrastination.  Oh the glorious plans I've had for this blog!  From dreams of daily art assignment postings, to chapters in a book I am perfectly procrastinating writing except in the confines of my brain, to crazy-long mental to-do lists, I have been able to successfully avoid posting to this blog.  Until today.  What makes today different?  Today is the first day of my last month in my safe cocoon.  I will be losing my current living arrangements at the end of the month.  I am awaiting word from the Social Security Administration on my disability claim and have no idea when it will be decided.  I am still ill and I still don't know the exact cause or if it is a combination of a bunch of smaller conditions that add up to one big giant fatigue with aches and pains and shortness of breath.  I take a fistful of prescriptions and supplements everyday.  I sleep a lot, but am unable to establish any kind of regular sleep cycle, no matter how hard I try and no matter what tricks I use.  If only my body could rise to the occassion of my ever busy imagination.  So, I have one month in which to find alternative living arrangements without any idea of where or how I will finance my life and with very little physical energy with which to sally forth.

When I was still able to work relentlessly in the nine to five (more like 9 to 9 or later most of the time)  corporate world, I always had a nagging fear in the back of my mind that I was just one paycheck away from being homeless.  What would I do if one day I lost my health and wasn't able to provide for myself?  Well, here I am, with the real possibility of this fear coming true.  I've already lost my health, hopefully it's a temporary state.  Now I am on the verge of losing my last refuge of security.  So I am going to use this blog, for the month of December, to record my daily thoughts, health condition, actions or lack thereof, and creative projects to help me find a soft place to land.

I have lots of ideas, but no physical energy with which to back them up.  And of course, my wonderful friends, Procrastinista and her buddy Fearalina.  Although, I must say, when you've got no vivacity, is it procrastination?  No.  But it's somehow soothing to pretend that it is, because this gives me the illusion that I have some control over the situation.

Today's health symptoms:  nausea, pain in the solar plexus area, fatigue (of course), headache, stinging sensation in my mouth.

Today's ideas:
1.  Call the SSA's Ticket to Work Program to see if they can do anything to help my claim along and to find out if they have temporary housing available.
2.  Post a request for help on my Facebook page.
3.  Sell some of the paintings I own on E-Bay or Etsy.

Today's soothing activities:
1.  Watched Practical Magic with mom, twice.  She snored through most of the first viewing.  It was so cute.
2.  Started reading Life is a Verb by Patti Digh.  Maybe if I read about it, verbness will show up in my life again.
3.  Imagine winning the lottery.  Guess I better buy a ticket.
4.  Writing this post.
5.  Draw Procrastinista and Fearalina.
6.  Found a pretty picture of sparkly sequins and made it my desktop wallpaper.

Today's Big Question:
1.  What will I do with my computer if I have to live in my car?  It is my connection to the world these days.