Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Deciding December - Day 1

Since my original post, I have been perfecting the art of perfectionist procrastination.  Oh the glorious plans I've had for this blog!  From dreams of daily art assignment postings, to chapters in a book I am perfectly procrastinating writing except in the confines of my brain, to crazy-long mental to-do lists, I have been able to successfully avoid posting to this blog.  Until today.  What makes today different?  Today is the first day of my last month in my safe cocoon.  I will be losing my current living arrangements at the end of the month.  I am awaiting word from the Social Security Administration on my disability claim and have no idea when it will be decided.  I am still ill and I still don't know the exact cause or if it is a combination of a bunch of smaller conditions that add up to one big giant fatigue with aches and pains and shortness of breath.  I take a fistful of prescriptions and supplements everyday.  I sleep a lot, but am unable to establish any kind of regular sleep cycle, no matter how hard I try and no matter what tricks I use.  If only my body could rise to the occassion of my ever busy imagination.  So, I have one month in which to find alternative living arrangements without any idea of where or how I will finance my life and with very little physical energy with which to sally forth.

When I was still able to work relentlessly in the nine to five (more like 9 to 9 or later most of the time)  corporate world, I always had a nagging fear in the back of my mind that I was just one paycheck away from being homeless.  What would I do if one day I lost my health and wasn't able to provide for myself?  Well, here I am, with the real possibility of this fear coming true.  I've already lost my health, hopefully it's a temporary state.  Now I am on the verge of losing my last refuge of security.  So I am going to use this blog, for the month of December, to record my daily thoughts, health condition, actions or lack thereof, and creative projects to help me find a soft place to land.

I have lots of ideas, but no physical energy with which to back them up.  And of course, my wonderful friends, Procrastinista and her buddy Fearalina.  Although, I must say, when you've got no vivacity, is it procrastination?  No.  But it's somehow soothing to pretend that it is, because this gives me the illusion that I have some control over the situation.

Today's health symptoms:  nausea, pain in the solar plexus area, fatigue (of course), headache, stinging sensation in my mouth.

Today's ideas:
1.  Call the SSA's Ticket to Work Program to see if they can do anything to help my claim along and to find out if they have temporary housing available.
2.  Post a request for help on my Facebook page.
3.  Sell some of the paintings I own on E-Bay or Etsy.

Today's soothing activities:
1.  Watched Practical Magic with mom, twice.  She snored through most of the first viewing.  It was so cute.
2.  Started reading Life is a Verb by Patti Digh.  Maybe if I read about it, verbness will show up in my life again.
3.  Imagine winning the lottery.  Guess I better buy a ticket.
4.  Writing this post.
5.  Draw Procrastinista and Fearalina.
6.  Found a pretty picture of sparkly sequins and made it my desktop wallpaper.

Today's Big Question:
1.  What will I do with my computer if I have to live in my car?  It is my connection to the world these days.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I like your images of Procrastinista and Fearalina. I'm guessing this is who those images are at the bottom of your post. Good to give these inner presences faces and personality.